Victoria's Secret, Body Hate, and Confused Thoughts

Greetings, all!!  I know I haven't posted in a few months, but work has been so hectic I haven't had a spare moment to allocate to the blog.  That said, I do have a moment now and would like to address a phenomenon in our culture.

Today is Thursday, December 6, 2012.  On Tuesday, December 4, 2012 millions of viewers across the nation tuned into CBS to watch the yearly spectacle of scantily clad Victoria's Secret angels parade themselves down the catwalk amid performances from today's superstar icons, Justin Bieber, Bruno Mars, and Rihanna.

I don't know why, but I look forward to this show every year.  I don't know if it's the overall production spectacle of the thing that makes it an "oh my goodness can that possibly be real life??" hour for me; I don't know if it's the fact that I  have a need to further ingrain self-deprecation and loathing into my mind's constant record player by watching the models, lamenting over their bodies; I don't know if, deep in the recesses of my consciousness, the only reason I watch it is because I enjoy complaining about it the following ~364 days until it takes place again.

Here are a few thoughts on the entire situation, and while they may seem opposed, understand that's because minds are complex things and I don't feel they should be censored (well, to a degree!!).

1.)  I get frustrated with people (myself included) who tweeted things such as "Their bodies are so perfect, it gives me motivation to [insert diet and exercise regimen here]" because I want everyone (myself included yet again) to come to the realization that beauty is not defined by your weight, muscle mass, height, body structure, or anything else physical, and that everyone is beautiful in their own way because God made them like that (Psalm 139:14).

2.)  I also get frustrated with the people who tweeted (I was a bit of a twitter troll during the entire show) things to the effect of, "That girl is too skinny, someone feed her a hamburger." or "I like my girls to be real, not to be fake twigs who all have eating disorders and who look horrible."

The statements in number 2 above are the ones that irritate me more than any, even though at first glance they seem harmless or even possibly positive.  The thing that bugs me with those statements is that okay, yeah, there are probably some of the VS angels that have eating disorders, but if you take any group of 12 (or so) women, statistics show that approximately (or at least) 3 of them will have eating disorders of some kind.  And no, I don't like it when girls' and women's only desire is to look like the rail-thin models, HOWEVER what I think a lot of people don't realize is that there is a large probability that several of the models do not have eating disorders, despite being thin.

The thought process behind that last statement is that if all the models were doing was starving themselves, a.) they wouldn't have the energy to showcase their lingerie with such powerful walking and emphatic posing (all in 5-inch heels) because they would have no energy on which to draw.  ALSO, the majority of the models, if not all the models, have extremely toned muscles.  Note I didn't say *big*, I said *toned*.  And if you are just starving yourself a la eating disorder, yes, you will be most likely be thin, but your muscle mass will be depleted and you will just look sickly.  These VS models have rigorous exercise regimens that they have to follow in order to maintain their "angel" status and get paid millions of dollars a year (yes, that's right).  So they work hard and it's not right to hate on them.

It's also not right to hate on yourself.

One last thought, and this is just because it bugs me--I personally HATE the objectification of women we see far too often.  However I LOVE watching the VS Fashion Show.  Tell me how THAT makes sense!!  This is a concept I'm still trying to unpack, so I may write about it later, but I just briefly wanted to make note of it here.

So....VS Fashion Show....what are you thoughts either on it or on anything I've written above??

God bless,

Becca

Home is where the heart is

Home is where the heart is.

If that statement is true, so is the following. Our heart is protected by ("in") our ribs, which means....home is in our ribs? That makes sense on 2 levels--God created Eve from Adam's rib in the Garden of Eden.  So home in that sense is directly related to God, which is no surprise.  But on the basic human level, if home is in our ribs, and ribs are bones, then home is in our bones, which is a neat concept.

Think about it:  how many times have you heard people say they are "chilled to the bone" or that they can "feel the warmth in their bones" or even that they're "aching way down in my bones".  All three of these statements can relate to innumerable original causes--people can be chilled to the bone when they watch a scary movie, when the temperature gets below 32-degrees Fahrenheit, when someone they thought loved them gives them the "cold shoulder" (a colloquialism that is interesting in and of itself)--people can feel the warmth in their bones when it is warm outside, when someone compliments them on a job well done, when another being (human or dog or cat, etc.) demonstrates unconditional love-people can be aching way down in their bones when they are dealing with arthritis, when they experience an unfulfilled promise, when a loved one passes away and they didn't get a chance to say good-bye.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I think the underlying factor in each of these "bone" analogies is today's word: home. So, home as applied to my personal life is defined below.

"Home" has always been a baffling concept to me.  I know that my home for 22+ years was with my immediate family, in our house, and with the love and guidance of my Christian parents and the camaraderie I had with my brother and sister.  When I was 8 (15 years ago), we moved from the house I considered "home" to the house my parents and sister still inhabit.  I never in my life thought that house would become home when we first made the move, but at some indeterminable point in middle school or high school or earlier, that house and neighborhood became the only home I considered such.  I then went to college, and a strange phenomenon occurred--when I would leave campus for Ashland every 4th or 5th weekend, I would tell my friends I was going home for the weekend.  But when I was leaving Ashland to go back to Centre, I would often say to my family in Ashland that I needed to get on the road so I could get home before it got dark (home here meaning college).

Four years I spent in this world where the word "home" applied to not just one, but two places.  Then I got married, and was really confused.  I knew (and still know) that my home is with Roger.  But what do I make of the fact that I say "Let's hurry up and finish shopping, I want to get home and watch Netflix with your mom and Bill" when we are running errands on a visit to West Virginia to see Rog's side of the family? What do I call the place where my parents and sister still live?  It seems that should also be home out of habit, but my home with Roger is my actual home now, and it is amazing beyond measure!

Have I confused you yet? I hope not.  It all boils down to this: in any place I have ever considered home--Nottingham Ct., Centre College, Iroquois Ave., Stealey Ave., or anywhere else--home is the place where I can feel chilled to the bone, where I can feel an aching way down in my bones, and feel the warmth in my bones--sometimes I feel each independent of the others, but there are also times I can feel all three (chilled, aching, warmth) concurrently, and I call that phenomenon "feeling LOVE radiating in my bones", and where is the place everyone feels love the most??  No matter what your definition of the place is, there is one answer.

Yep.  Home.

-Becca

Love.

I want anyone reading this to do a word association exercise with me.  I'm going to say a word, and I want you to make note of the next word that immediately pops into your head.  No skipping over words you think are "ungood" or words you deem "unrelated," we are aiming for complete honesty, here.

1.) Happy
2.) Calm
3.) Flustered
4.) Angry
5.) Awe-full
6.) Awful
7.) Unfaltering
8.) Abandoned
9.) Mercy
10.) Compassion

Okay, I'm going to assume you remember at least a few of your word associations.  Is there an underlying theme with the words the above list elicited from your mind?  The answer is yes, by the way, even if you are struggling to piece it together.  And that underlying theme is--you guessed it--L O V E.

You may be thinking that there is no way every word on the original list is encapsulated by the word "love," and rightly so.  After all, it's not often we think loving thoughts toward someone or something or some situation that has left us feeling angry, abandoned, awful, etc.  It's easy for us to see the love factor of the words happy, mercy, calm, and the like, but it's darned near impossible to see love manifest itself in a way/word traditionally thought to be "negative"

Again, I'm going to draw on my most favorite example from my personal life, miss Lucy InTheSkyWithDiamondsMae Doss.  (You knew it was coming, didn't ya??)

In any given day, Lucy can elicit all ten of the feelings/states listed above, and to be frank I'm sure she causes me to feel upwards of 20+ additional feelings on most, if not all, days.

For instance, when I walk up to the porch after a hard day at work, almost nothing compares to the happiness I instantly feel when I see my little puppy's face looking up through the glass, imploring me to open the door.  Earlier on that same day, it is very likely I felt "abandoned" by my puppy when she snapped at my fingers as I was trying (and failing) to lure her into her cage, after which she never fails to show me those puppy dog eyes that then fill me with compassion and mercy and before I even am aware, I've forgiven her and am out the door.

The reason I feel comfortable saying Lucy can stir in me nearly every emotion I can name (and probably many I can't), is because no matter what emotions have run their course through my veins regarding her, I love her unconditionally.

Which, in my opinion, should be the subtext for today's word.  I personally don't think you can have conditional love.  Conditional like--absolutely--but love does not operate on conditions.  When we adopted Lucy almost a year ago, we didn't say "Okay, we'll adopt you and love you IF you...a, b c, etc." We simply said we'll adopt you and love you.  Period.  The end.  No questions asked.  We may not always like everything you do, but you are ours to love.  Furever.

The reason I'm elaborating on this aspect of my relationship with Lucy is because it is a smaller scale version of the commitment Rog and I have made to each other throughout the past 5 years as a whole, but on a greater level, the commitment we made to each other for the rest of our lives on our wedding day, 4 days shy of a year ago.  When I look at Rog, even if we disagree (which we do, just as every couple inevitably does at some point(s)), even if we don't fully understand exactly what the other is saying 100% of the time, the one constant in our marriage is love.  I know he loves me, and I know I love him, and we have each assured the other that our love is unconditional--it is not set on parameters of what we "think" the other should do, be, or anything else.  We love each other.  Period.  End of story.

Which is why, a couple of weeks ago, I took possibly my favorite picture ever.  In this picture, you have the two beings I see on a daily basis that I know love me unconditionally, and whose unconditional love I reciprocate earnestly and wholeheartedly.

God bless,

Becca

Perfect.

Perfect.

Man, is there another word in the English language (or any language) that has such POWER over nearly every living human--nay--every living BEING??  (Hint: the answer is a big, emphatic, resounding NO.)
I'll illustrate my point using our puppy, Lucy InTheSkyWithDiamondsMae Doss.  She is the prime example of one who strives for perfection and pleasing her parents (here you see her saying "look, I know I did well!!") and exhibits embarrassment and shame when she thinks she has done any less (such as here, hiding her face in shame).

What we should all strive for, though, is to be like the Lucy pictured here, who is CLEARLY saying, "Well, I screwed up.  But I tried.  You still love me, right??  I won't do it again.  Well, I'll try."

Now, I know this may seem too cavalier a post for an increasingly important topic-word.  So I will briefly discuss my (human) experience of perfection (or imperfection, as it may be), but note that humans, at the most basic level of existing, tend to favor their pets in their actions/reactions to life.  Just how it works.

Perfection -- the quote/lyric that immediately comes to mind when I read that word is from the JJ Heller song, "Control."  The lyric says, "Perfection has a price, but I could not afford to live that life, it always ends the same, a fight I never, never, never, NEVER win."

Okay, you caught me, I added a few "never"s there, but only for purposes of emphasis.  It may shock some of you, but I am not perfect (sarcasm totally intended).  And I'll be the first to tell you that about myself.  Now, that said, throughout my ENTIRE life, even as recent as today, I, along with probably 98% of sentient life forms, have striven for that unattainable goal: perfection.  The problem with "perfect" as applied to anyone on Earth today (and in the past or future as well, excepting Jesus) is "perfect" is a COMPLETELY subjective term.  What is "perfect"??  To some, perfect means having MORE.  It often doesn't matter more "what", as long as we have more of our what than any other person we know has of our what.  To others, perfection may mean attaining the ultimate happiness in work/family/friendships/school.  But then again, we can't really measure happiness, so again we are left with subjectivity.  To so so so so many people (myself still, at times, I'd be remiss to include yet am ashamed to admit), "perfect" means being thin, pretty, losing weight.  Watching that number on the scale go down to--wait a minute, it doesn't matter WHAT the number gets down to, the only way we see it as perfect is if it keeps going down, down, down...you get the picture.  How messed up is that??  Yet, it's the sad reality for upwards of 80% of women aged 18 and older.

I mention that statistic not to illustrate where our society is lacking--some may say, where we are "failing"--but only to point out that even though some of us have crossed the threshold and realize that "perfection is a price we can't ever pay", as a collective people, we have a ways to go.  And again, of course, I am wholeheartedly including myself in that.

Thanks for reading....but alas it's time for bed.

Love and God bless,

<3  Becca

Sincere.

I'm a little late in starting, but rather than play catch up (which I had originally decided I would do), I'm just going to write about today's word.  Today's word for the Word-a-Day June Blogging Challenge in which I'm participating is sincere.

Sincere is a strange word.  I say that not in a judgmental way, but rather just as an observation.  Think about the last time you wrote a letter (or email, or facebook message, etc.).  What was the nature of the letter?  To whom were you writing?  Would you consider that person to be a friend, acquaintance, family member, enemy, ally?  Or is that person's role in your life something altogether different?  Now, think about how you signed that letter.  If you were taught the same way I was in elementary school up through some parts of college, there's a great chance you signed that letter, "Sincerely, [your name]".

I know for me, if I'm signing a correspondence with "sincerely," there's a great chance the person with whom I'm communicating is not someone I would deem "close" to me.  For my "close" friends/family members, etc, I usually sign something to the effect of "xoxo, Becca" or "love, Becca" or even sometimes a "love and God bless, <3 Becca".

That gets me to thinking, though...why do we (or, well, I) reserve the "sincerely" for those I feel I don't know very well.  After all, isn't sincere one of the bet gifts we can offer others?  I mean, don't the people we love--and who also love us--deserve the highest degree of our sincerity?

Sincerity can get you into trouble, though, can't it?  Exhibit A:  "Loved One X" comes to you wearing his/her favorite new clothing purchase and asks, "This doesn't look good on me, does it?"  Now, I would venture to say the majority of people (myself included) would discount that statement and say something along the lines of "It looks great!  What are you talking about?  You're totally rocking that!"  And to be completely honest, I know I would rather have that response from someone as opposed to someone saying, "Well, it's okay, I guess, but it's not really flattering on you."  Are you with me on that?  I want a show of hands.

HOWEVER, all of us (well, at least a lot of us) quick to implore others to exercise sincerity in their interactions with us.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a second.

It seems we (or at least I) have a double standard, doesn't it?  I don't want sincerity from someone who is going to tell me my new shirt from Hollister doesn't look very nice, but I practically demand it from someone when they are giving me an apology (although I'm more frequently the one doing the apologizing...I'm sure many people who know me would say I apologize so much it's annoying!!).

How's that work?  In short--it doesn't.  Or at least, it shouldn't.  We can't pick and choose when and where and what situations constitute real sincerity.  That will not only hurt our own minds trying to keep track, but will also make our relationships with others confusing because our loved ones will constantly feel like they are having to decipher what we're thinking and figure out if "situation A" mandates 32% sincerity or 86% sincerity, or anywhere less, in between, or more.

I'm not sure if this makes sense at all to anyone but me, but I think there's some truth--or sincerity--in at least some of what I've written.

Sincerely,

God bless,

Much love,

xoxo

Becca

Compare and Contrast: The Venn Diagram of Life

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of comparing ourselves to others.  Not just in regards to physical appearance, but in every conceivable way.  I'd like to share my thoughts on the subject in the rest of the post.


When people discuss serious illnesses, they often cite cases of cancer, heart disease, AIDS, kidney failure, etc.  LET ME BE CLEAR ABOUT THIS NEXT POINT:  I am NOT downplaying these illnesses AT ALL.  They are, in fact, very, very serious, and often fatal.  However, I believe the most "serious illness" facing humankind today is one you will never find on a list of "worst illnesses."  In fact, I'm not sure if anyone else would consider it an illness.  And while it is not technically fatal, it can make your life an awful experience if you let it consume you.


This illness I am mentioning, dear friends, is the illness of comparing ourselves to others....and each and every person on earth suffers with it.  We constantly think about ourselves in terms of other people.  And 9 times out of 10, when we do this, we are thinking about the millions of other ways we perceive others to be "better" than us.


Answer me this:  Have you ever said anything to the effect of, "She looks great in that dress but I could never pull it off" or "Man, there's no way I'm going to be voted president of this organization if he is running" or any number of other thoughts in the same vein??


I'm just going to assume your answer is yes, because it's human nature.  We have an innate ability to focus on the areas of others' lives that seem to be "better" than our own lives, which then leaves us feeling inadequate and like me can never measure up.


I'm calling all people (myself included) out in this next segment.  Remember in school when a teacher would have you draw a Venn Diagram (example here) and compare AND CONTRAST two objects/people/stories, etc.??  I submit that's how we need to start looking at our life.  It is easy to just compare ourselves to other people and think negatively about ourselves in relation to those other people, but it is also imperative that we contrast ourselves with others.  I'm not saying we point out the good in them and the negatives in us, but rather if we are intent on focusing on the positive qualities of others, we must also make a conscious effort to focus on the positives in OURSELVES.


For instance, there is someone I have known for years -- and every time I see this person, even if we're not talking, I am instantly filled with insecurity because this person is constantly surrounded by a large group of friends, is always smiling, and has more confidence than anyone I know.  It is very, VERY easy for me to see this person and think to myself, "Gosh, I wish I had it made like that.  I wish I had a countless number of friends.  I wish when people saw me they would want to come over and talk to me.  I wish I was that outgoing and extroverted."  And to be brutally honest for all of us, there will ALWAYS be someone who is smarter, who is more well-liked, who is better able to communicate, who has no trouble in situations that may stress us out to the max, who society will deem "prettier," etc.  So if we base our own self-worth and self-image on how we perceive others, we are setting ourselves up for failure.


But as of this moment, I am making a conscious effort to also focus on the areas of my life that are different, as far as I can see, that is.  The one that most readily comes to mind is that I can empathize with and relate to every single person I encounter.  Seriously, not many people can do that.  And I say that not to brag, but while this other person may have "better" looks than me, may perform better than me academically, or may have more friends, my ability to empathize and relate to others is something I wouldn't trade no matter what I would get in return.


The key part of the Venn Diagram of Life, though, is that yes, we have to highlight comparisons and contrasts, but we ALSO need to focus on ways we are the same compared to person X.  And I'll be honest, that is the absolute HARDEST part of the diagram to complete, because as humans, we don't WANT to place ourselves on the same level as someone we deem "better" than us.


So yes, my challenge to you all is to start working on that Venn Diagram of your life and see how you feel once complete.  I'm going to do mine, as well.


God bless,


Becca

On being slow to anger

Okay, it's been a minute (read: a long time) since I last blogged , and admittedly that's because I had to take some time off to enter a treatment facility last fall, as most of you know, and just never got back into the swing of things other than an occasional post here or there.  However, instead of updating on what has gone on in my life and recovery the past several months (which has been a roller coaster ride, up and down and up and down, as I'm sure others can relate), I just wanted to touch on and share with y'all some things that have really spoken to my heart the past few weeks, and as a result of these things, the type of focus I put on recovery has completely shifted.  Whereas I used to tend to see the worst-case scenario of every situation (and I'm not saying I still don't at times), I have become increasingly more positive just within like the past month and a half.  And I will say this, those of you who know me even as just an acquaintance know I don't have any trouble openly discussing my Christian faith, because I believe that is the very reason I am still alive and fighting today, nine years after I started battling Ed.

Well, that opening paragraph was a little longer than I anticipated, but it is what it is.  Now, on to the REAL purpose and focus of this blog post.  And it will be a little lengthy, because I am just overflowing with positive, Ed-fighting energy right now, so bear with me.  But if you are pressed for time and don't feel like you can finish the whole post, there's nothing wrong with skimming or just not reading altogether (although I would prefer you not do the latter simply because I have a feeling others may be able to resonate with what I'm saying in the following paragraphs.  ALSO, just a heads-up, you may read for a while and think, "Okay, this is all well and good, but it really has NOTHING to do with Ed."  If you start thinking that, I promise, if you see it through to the end, you will realize that it is completely related to recovery and different feelings and emotions we may feel as we try each day to become more and more empowered against Ed.

I don't know how many, if any, of y'all are familiar with Beth Moore.  I would assume several of you who see this link on my facebook page are somewhat familiar, but there may be others who have no clue because they haven't yet been fortunate enough to witness her zeal.  The amount of positive things I could say about her are endless, so instead of that, for those of you who are thinking, "Who the heck is Beth Moore??" I will just give you a quick recap of who she is and to what she has devoted her life.

I guess the best way to describe Beth would be to say that she is first and foremost a Christian.  But she takes it to an entirely new level.  She has written I want to say over a dozen bible studies (possibly more) geared specifically for women to study together.  The studies range in title and subject matter.  The first study I completed was called "Stepping Up" which covered and dissected the Psalms of Ascent.  I completed that study a couple of years ago, and it was amazing.  One of her most well-known studies is entitled "Breaking Free" and while I have not had the opportunity to participate in that study as of yet, I truly hope I have the chance to do so someday.

But I digress.  My husband, Rog, and I recently went "church-shopping" because we felt like we weren't quite being spiritually fed in the particular way we yearned to be at the church in which I, my parents, and my grandparents have attended essentially "forever".  I want to make it clear that our decision to "church-shop" is not a reflection on the leadership of the church we have always attended, not is it a reflection of the wonderful people who are devoted members (because I have excellent memories with more people in that church than I can count).  We just wanted to explore a little and see what church "felt right" for us at this point in our lives.   And I will tell you this -- Once we first visited the church we now attend, there was no doubt in our minds that this church is exactly where God wants us to be.  The fact that the second Sunday we had attended this new church they announced they were going to sponsor a Beth Moore study for women who were interested just made the church all that more appealing.

But again, as is my nature, I digress.  Last night (Wednesday) was the fourth session of the 8-week study.  We complete 5 days of "homework" in the workbook each week for the study in preparation for the actual meeting, video viewing, and discussion.  The study we are doing is entitled, "James:  Mercy Triumphs."  Now, there is so incredibly much I could tell you just from the first 4 weeks of the study, but that would literally take me hours to write (I was an English major, so not only do I enjoy writing....a LOT....but I am a super-compulsive note-taker.  I honestly think that by the end of each weekly meeting, I have written down more notes than Beth Moore herself wrote down when she was composing the study.)

In case you haven't caught on, digressing is kind of my thing....because here I've done it again.

I really just wanted to share a couple verses with you all that have truly not just TOUCHED me, but have truly CHANGED me throughout the first half of this study.  The first of the verse selections comes from the book of James, Chapter 1, Verses 2-3.  The verses say: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."  Now, I don't know about y'all, girlfriends (and guys as well), but when I first read that verse and truly SAW it, I was, for lack of a better word, unsettled.  James (half-brother of JESUS CHRIST) is telling us that we should consider it not just JOY, but PURE JOY, when we face trials of any kinds.  I'll be honest, this is something I struggle with on a daily basis.  The trials that I face are not the exact same every day--one day Ed might be the loudest he's been in months, and then maybe the next day, or even in the same day, someone does something that really sets me off, like abruptly switching my schedule at work, forcing me to completely overhaul my previous plans (merely a hypothetical situation, I assure you).  So if there are some of you who are thinking, "Nope, sorry, not me.  My trials are NEVER going to cause me to consider them PURE JOY.  Are you crazy??"  My answer for that is, well, maybe.  But take into account the rest of the verse:"because you know that the testing of your faith produces PERSEVERANCE."

What do you think of THAT??  Anyone who has registered on this website, and certainly anyone who has stuck with this blog post and is still reading, is familiar with perseverance.  Now, ol' Eddie likes to hide, from us, the fact that we persevere every day, and grow stronger every day.  After all, if we start to see that we are persevering (which is somewhat akin to truly TRYING and is the complete opposite of *saying* you're trying without REALLY trying), Ed immediately has lost part of his foothold in our lives.  So I'm telling you, rather, I'm imploring you to please, the next time you feel like you have been beaten down on the path of life or recovery, just say ALOUD (whether you're by yourself or around other people....remember, what other people think of you in NONE of your business), "I AM PERSEVERING.  I AM GETTING STRONGER.  YOU (ED) ARE GETTING WEAKER."  Just try it.  I dare you.  I can guarantee you (based on my personal experience) that when you audibly speak against Ed, it makes you feel FAR more powerful than if you were just saying it in your head.

Oh my stars....this ended up being a really long post, and I know if you're read this far you're probably ready to skip the rest of this, or maybe skim it to get the general idea, and I don't blame you if you don't have time to completely read every single word, but I absolutely HAVE to share the second verse that has truly changed me and impacted me in a way that I can honestly say I have never been changed previous to my in-depth study and meditation on this verse.

This verse come again from James, Chapter 1, and is Verse 19.  It says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."  Wow.  Wow wow wow wow.  I don't know about you, but when I came across this verse in my workbook and realized I was essentially going to HAVE to study it in-depth (instead of skimming over it like I have countless times in my life because I didn't want to truly hear what it had to tell me, I was less than thrilled.  But alas, a good chunk of a day's homework lesson was spent on this very verse.  I will say, I am generally an introvert.  So the whole "being quick to listen" aspect is something I do without even having to make a conscious effort....MOST of the time.  The next two guidelines set forth in the verse, however....well, they're a little harder for me to reconcile.  I don't know about you, but although I professed my introverted personality above, and let me tell you that is COMPLETELY accurate, I'm one of those people who you could describe as embodying 2 diametrically opposed character traits at the same time.  Meaning, yes, I am very quick to listen, because when it comes to others, I am a very compassionate, patient, empathetic person (these things others have told me, I'm not bragging on myself).  HOWEVER, on the flip side, I absolutely LOVE TO TALK.  And what's more than that--I don't particularly like talking to people with whom I am the closest (family, friends, etc.), but if you put me on a plane, for instance, and I'm flying alone, and I sit next to a 60 year-old lady, I can GUARANTEE you we will be chatting it up before we even leave the runway, and by the time we land I will be able to tell you about this wonderful lady I met named Erma, who has 2 sons, one of whom is gay and the other of whom has been married for 10 years and has 7 kids, 6 girls and one boy, and the boy is the youngest and also struggles with severe ADHD which causes his sisters to try to coerce him into misbehaving and then he gets in trouble and has to use one of those compression machines like Temple Grandin, played by Claire Danes, used in the movie of the same name, Temple Grandin, that is, and how the eldest daughter who is 9 has an IQ that is off the charts so she is already taking high school classes.  I use this as an example of the plane scenario because it's happened more than once, although admittedly this particular story of Erma and kin is completely fabricated.  :-)  So, quick to listen --> I've got that down.  Slow to speak --> Not nearly as good at that as listening, but generally do an okay job of remembering to take my time and think before I speak.

So here we are at the last guideline/condition set forth by James, half-brother of Jesus Christ, explaining how Jesus instructed us to handle our anger.  I will be the first to step forward and say, "Hi, my name is Becca, and I have a really, REALLY hard time sitting with my anger and not lashing out every time I get angry or feel negative emotions about something or someone."  Everyone in my family knows that is true, as well. Rog has more than once been sitting in the living room while I was in our bedroom desperately searching for something to wear.  More often than not, I go through five, six, seven, I've even been known to go upwards of ten outfits and then get so frustrated because I don't think they look "just right." I will scream, slam our bedroom door, push and pull the drawers in my chest in and out very loudly.  So the fact that we are instructed to be "slow to anger" is something I really had to wrestle with before I moved on in my lesson.  And then I came to the following conclusion.

I was having a hard time with the "slow to anger" phrase because Ed was having trouble with it.

Once I realized that, the entire concept made sense to me as it applies to recovery.  The day of homework that centered around the verse with the three aforementioned provisions asked a question and left room for me to answer in the book.  The question, or I guess really more of a prompt, was something like, "Think of the last several times you have felt what you believed, or what you really felt, was true, intense anger.  Write down the cause of the anger.  Don't limit yourself to one if you have more than one answer, but be as specific as you can."  I started writing, and writing and my list ended up looking something like this:

1.) Trying on every outfit in my closet, and even though Rog tells me they look good I hate the way I look in them.  (which caused the door and drawer slamming I mentioned above)

2.) Having a dream that people in my family were on my case about my eating habits and how they didn't think I was doing well enough. (Which was random because I've been doing really well with that stuff for the past month and a half or so, which means there was no logical explanation for the dream.  However, when I awoke, my blood was boiling (metaphorically speaking) because I was so incredibly angry.  It actually took me a while to talk myself down and write it off as just a dream, and dreams by nature are not always (possibly not ever) logical.

3.) People I am around who constantly talk about dieting and weight loss and "how far they've come" or "how far they have to go" and constantly making statements about their own appearances or others' appearances.

4.) A store in our mall (I work in the mall at a different store) and their stupid new robot scale sitting in the doorway of the store so every time you enter or exit you hear a *DING* "Have you checked your weight today??"

There were a few more answers I scribbled down in my workbook, but I don't remember exactly what they were.  I do know that once I had written a grand total of 7 or 8 responses, I went over them and only ONE was completely unrelated to food/weight/clothes/appearance/other miscellaneous thoughts Ed put in my head.

Which is when my realization TRULY started to kick in -- the instances where I am very QUICK to anger are instances where I, BECCA, am not getting angry at all.  Or at least not in the ways I thought I was.  In fact, the quick anger upon which I had been acting was SOLELY ED MANIPULATING MY EMOTIONS so that I would only focus on the anger that had to do with the things I listed above, therefore leaving me with no time to a.) Focus on things that would make Becca (SANS Ed) angry b.) Sit with my anger and formulate the best way to respond to it, taking into account every aspect of the situation and c.) Examine whether my anger was stemming from me thinking someone or something had offended ME (which rarely calls for anger, to be honest, but more often calls for rationalization and conversation) or if I was angry because someone or something was offending or disrespecting God, which is the thing about which we should get the most angry, even though we are still called not to lash out but instead ruminate over the exact cause of our anger and try to find peaceful solutions to the situations that are anger-inducing.

Does that make any sense to anyone else but me??  Because the truth is GLARINGLY OBVIOUS to me.  Ed (whose name I often use interchangeably with Satan), wants to pull our focus away from our real issues and situations and desperately wants us to channel all of our energy into getting angry and frustrated over things that make Ed mad, and since Ed is the ultimate deceiver it is natural and quite easy for him to be able to convince you the anger you feel about food/appearance/weight/etc issue "X" stems from YOU, from ME, from Becca, for instance, and uses every trick in the "How to manipulate the minds of vulnerable individuals: for dummies" handbook to keep our focus off the fact that who we should REALLY be angry at is Ed.

Just some thoughts for you to do with whatever you please.

God bless,

<3  Becca

For anyone who has ever had the misfortune of meeting Eduardo....

A little gem (not necessarily a diamond....any gem will suffice) I came up with today that I want to dedicate to anyone who is familiar with the one who sucks the fun and the living out of life....let's show ol' Eddie what we're made of!! Here's hoping you can find as much power and motivation in reading these words as I found in writing them.
________________

Hey, [insert friend's name here]. I heard you were having a rough time and that the liar and deceiver, Ed, has been all up in your business lately, and that you are feeling frustrated that you're not "totally" better yet.
I wanna share something with you. Do you know how long I've been dealing with this son of a mother?? 8 and a half years.  I've been in 3 treatment centers, had literally hundreds of hours of therapy, and have worked in-depth with a mentor for the past 5 years.  I've had support from friends, family, and various assorted professionals, and while I'm LIGHT YEARS ahead of where I was even a few months ago, I'm still not "totally" better. I say all this not to emphasize my struggle, but to show you something I know YOU know--Recovery takes time--a lot of time--and even if you don't know this yourself, you are a STRONG young wo/man with more fire and pizazz and, goodness gracious, a heart of freaking GOLD, than most people in this world, and you CAN win the fight. You are not a quitter. You are a go-getter, Ed-fighting NINJA with glitter in your veins that makes you shine your life-light so bright on everyone you meet and everywhere you are that when people think of you they can't help but SMILE. You are a precious child of the one and only Living GOD, and so help me hannah--I am NOT going to let you forget how AWESOME you are and how much you deserve Recovery and how much POWER you will have when you kick ed's little metaphorical punk a**!!
________________

Now GET OUT THERE and be a RECOVERY ROCKSTAR!!!!

You can do it!!!!

-Becca

Falk (Faces Without Names) -- "Deadly Beauty"

I got an update via Google Alerts today.  It was entitled "NEDA Names Music Duo Alexa and Natalee Falk as Official Ambassadors."  An excerpt from the press release on openPR.com is below.

The sisters, who grew up in the music industry, have found their genuine voice and are garnering national attention for their song “Deadly Beauty,” which is dedicated to young women struggling with eating disorders and the family members who worry about them. 

You can read the entire press release here.

And you can read the song lyrics here: 

The song is on YouTube, but I'll let you search for it yourself.  **Possible trigger warning** so YouTube search with care.

I, for one, think this is a truly inspiring story.  And the song tells some of the more scary realities of living with an eating disorder.  I think the song is good, but I don't think it has everything right.

I'd be interested to hear what y'all think!!

Keep ROCKING OUT with that RECOVERY SWAGGER!!

God bless,

<3  Becca

The little, light blue, convertible Volkswagen Beetle that could.

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while. And for all intents and purposes, "a while" in this instance means a heckuva long time.

But instead of catching up and recounting what has happened to me the past however many months, I instead want to share my message of hope in the form of a metaphor loosely based on a children's story....that can be applied to people of all ages.

Are you familiar with the story of the "Little Engine That Could"?? If not, I suggest you stop reading this blog post, google the story, and after researching/reading it, continue reading this.

While this story is an excellent metaphor for anything we go through in life, I have not always been a fan of it. I have, at times, thought to myself, "This story is so cliche. Sure, it may give hope to some people, but really?? A little train engine that talks and by repeating the phrase 'I think I can' over and over is able to overcome adversity?? Good in theory, but does not apply to my life."

It has been only recently that I have translated the story, with my own personal spin on it, to my own life.

For me, I submit the title of the story be "The Little Light Blue, Convertible Volkswagen Beetle that could."

Why this title?? I'm glad you asked!! A light blue, convertible Volkswagen Beetle is my dream car. My first car was a Beetle, and I now have a Toyota, which I love, but I still yearn for that light blue convertible bug (black soft top).

I have come to think of my life in terms of the newly-revised title I proposed. I, of course, play the role of the light blue, convertible Volkswagen Beetle who could. Below, I will tell the story, and you can decipher it in terms of Recovery. I think it will be a fun little game.

Once upon a time, there was a little light blue, convertible, Volkswagen Beetle. The Beetle wanted nothing more than to drive on the interstate for the first time. But the Beetle was scared to try something new. "Surely there is a way I can undertake, and succeed at, this task," the Beetle said to herself one Summer's day.

The Beetle decided to go ask others she knew for help and encouragement. Everyone she talked to offered her words of advice and assisted her as much as they could, but after talking to everyone who offered her support, she realized it was really up to her to make it happen.

So, days passed by. As did weeks. As did months. As did years. Summer changed to fall changed to winter, for 8 years, and the Beetle still had not ventured on to the interstate. "I don't think I have the courage to take this giant leap," the Beetle said to herself.

One night in early January, the Beetle had trouble sleeping. She had a nagging feeling that there was something she needed to do for herself. She woke up and "paced" around the garage. Suddenly it clicked!! "Tonight is the night," she said. "I am going to get on that interstate, and nothing is going to stop me!!"

The Beetle slowly drove up the main road in the city that led to the interstate. Second by second, she gained more speed. She entered the ramp that connected the city road with the interstate. The Beetle went faster and faster and faster and faster. In a matter of seconds, before she knew it, she was on the interstate, going 70 miles per hour.

"Woohoo!!" screamed the Beetle, "This is the best feeling I have ever felt!! Why did I wait so long to tackle this feat?? I had no idea I could feel this HAPPY and FREE!!"

The Beetle kept an eye on her speedometer, but she pushed the gas pedal just a little bit harder so she could feel the wind in her face. "So THIS is what truly living feels like," she said. "Now that I've experienced this, I can't ever imagine going back to the world where I was scared to tackle my fears."

The Beetle kept cruising along the interstate, headlights straight ahead, only using her rear view mirror to remind herself of how far she had come, and how much further she was going with every passing rotation of her wheels.

I hope each and every one of you is having a blessed day.

God bless,

<3 Becca