I am a BIG fan of quotes. Particularly recovery-related quotes. But I have noticed that so many recovery-related quotes can relate to the larger population. For today's post, I'd like you to read and discuss (if you'd like) the quote below.
At this very moment, you may be saying to yourself that you have any number of admirable qualities. You are a loyal friend, a caring person, someone who is smart, dependable, fun to be around. That's wonderful, and I'm happy for you, but let me ask you this: are you being any of those things to yourself? ~~ Phillip C. McGraw
And as always, remember, RECOVERY ROCKS!!
God bless,
-Becca
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
For everything, there is a season.
(Insert little blurb about how I know I haven't blogged in MONTHS and how I promise I'm going to get back into it like I used to be).
(start blog post)
Seasons. What does that word mean to you?? What connotations does it have?? For me, it means everything from Kentucky weather, arthritis episodes, and everything in between (positive AND negative). But more than anything, though, when I hear the word "seasons," my mind instantly goes to the word "change."
I'm going to start by using an analogy Rog made as he was driving home from visiting me in North Carolina a few weeks ago. As many of you know, I was a patient in UNC's Eating Disorders Program for 5 weeks, spanning half of September and 3 weeks of October. Those of you who live in an area densely populated with trees, and especially if you have ever driven through Kentucky, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, or any other such comparable state in early fall are familiar with the beautiful changes the trees undergo. The lush greens of summer turn into breathtaking reds, oranges, and golds of fall. There are few things on earth that are as awe-inspiring as a multicolored forest in early October. What is even neater than the leaves changing colors, though, is that the changing colors are the first step to the tree being renewed, reborn, in the Spring. Of course, there are several interim stages between golden and red leaves and the new green colors that greet our eyes in March or April, but of one thing we can be sure -- the trees will rejuvenate themselves again, as they have every year they've been in existence thus far.
Now, how exactly does this relate to Recovery?? Particularly my recovery as I transitioned from one phase to another of UNC's program?? Well, I'm glad you asked!!
As with the trees, Recovery is a process. It is often cyclical (as is evidenced by the past 8 years of my life), and it provides you with constant opportunities for renewal. I equate the change from summer's green to fall's multicolored forest to the stage of Recovery I entered when transitioning from the Inpatient program to the Partial Hospitalization Program, as well as the preparations I made for the transition back home to Kentucky. Throughout the program, I underwent several changes, and most, if not all, of them helped make me into a more colorful and bright person (something my eating disorder had stolen from me). As the trees, so was I morphing from something I used to be into something I knew I could only be WITH Recovery.
You may be thinking, "Now, okay, that makes sense. But what about the part where the fall leaves literally fall off the tree and the tree dies?? What does that mean for your recovery??"
That is a little more tricky, but it IS understandable. Most people lament over the beautiful leaves falling to the ground and leaving us with dead trees. However, those same people are the first to rejoice when the trees bloom again come springtime (I am guilty of this, as well). What we (myself included) fail to acknowledge, though, is that the "death" of a tree can also be beautiful, because it is just another notch in the wheel of renewal. Relating to Recovery, I see the "death" of the trees as a parallel with the "death" of my eating disorder. Or, if not the complete death, the considerable lessening of the eating disorder's grasp on my life. And, as with the trees, I have been afforded the chance to move from that death into the springtime of Recovery.
Now, I am by no stretch of the imagination fully recovered. I am still not sure if I believe that is possible. But I do have a renewed sense of hope, and I am becoming a little more confident each day that the past 8 years I have spent in bondage to my eating disorder have merely been a season of my life--a season that is finally starting to draw to a close. There's no telling how long it will take for this season to fully end, but again, I am confident in my ability to handle it--however long it may take.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." -- Ecclesiastes 3:1
God bless,
Becca
(start blog post)
Seasons. What does that word mean to you?? What connotations does it have?? For me, it means everything from Kentucky weather, arthritis episodes, and everything in between (positive AND negative). But more than anything, though, when I hear the word "seasons," my mind instantly goes to the word "change."
I'm going to start by using an analogy Rog made as he was driving home from visiting me in North Carolina a few weeks ago. As many of you know, I was a patient in UNC's Eating Disorders Program for 5 weeks, spanning half of September and 3 weeks of October. Those of you who live in an area densely populated with trees, and especially if you have ever driven through Kentucky, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, or any other such comparable state in early fall are familiar with the beautiful changes the trees undergo. The lush greens of summer turn into breathtaking reds, oranges, and golds of fall. There are few things on earth that are as awe-inspiring as a multicolored forest in early October. What is even neater than the leaves changing colors, though, is that the changing colors are the first step to the tree being renewed, reborn, in the Spring. Of course, there are several interim stages between golden and red leaves and the new green colors that greet our eyes in March or April, but of one thing we can be sure -- the trees will rejuvenate themselves again, as they have every year they've been in existence thus far.
Now, how exactly does this relate to Recovery?? Particularly my recovery as I transitioned from one phase to another of UNC's program?? Well, I'm glad you asked!!
As with the trees, Recovery is a process. It is often cyclical (as is evidenced by the past 8 years of my life), and it provides you with constant opportunities for renewal. I equate the change from summer's green to fall's multicolored forest to the stage of Recovery I entered when transitioning from the Inpatient program to the Partial Hospitalization Program, as well as the preparations I made for the transition back home to Kentucky. Throughout the program, I underwent several changes, and most, if not all, of them helped make me into a more colorful and bright person (something my eating disorder had stolen from me). As the trees, so was I morphing from something I used to be into something I knew I could only be WITH Recovery.
You may be thinking, "Now, okay, that makes sense. But what about the part where the fall leaves literally fall off the tree and the tree dies?? What does that mean for your recovery??"
That is a little more tricky, but it IS understandable. Most people lament over the beautiful leaves falling to the ground and leaving us with dead trees. However, those same people are the first to rejoice when the trees bloom again come springtime (I am guilty of this, as well). What we (myself included) fail to acknowledge, though, is that the "death" of a tree can also be beautiful, because it is just another notch in the wheel of renewal. Relating to Recovery, I see the "death" of the trees as a parallel with the "death" of my eating disorder. Or, if not the complete death, the considerable lessening of the eating disorder's grasp on my life. And, as with the trees, I have been afforded the chance to move from that death into the springtime of Recovery.
Now, I am by no stretch of the imagination fully recovered. I am still not sure if I believe that is possible. But I do have a renewed sense of hope, and I am becoming a little more confident each day that the past 8 years I have spent in bondage to my eating disorder have merely been a season of my life--a season that is finally starting to draw to a close. There's no telling how long it will take for this season to fully end, but again, I am confident in my ability to handle it--however long it may take.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." -- Ecclesiastes 3:1
God bless,
Becca
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I'm blogging for Mental Health 2011!!
Greetings, all!!
It's been a while since I last posted, I know, but that has been because life has been super hectic.
In any case, I wanted to make sure I posted TODAY.
Why?? You might ask. Well, today is "Mental Health Blog Day 2011" and I want to raise awareness!!
There are several great blog posts going up today, so mine will be short, sweet, and to the point.
Mental health affects all of us, in some way, shape, or form, every day of our lives. Some days you may be in good mental health. Some days it may not be so good. The important thing is you recognize that the mere fact you have a MIND means you have varying degrees of mental health throughout your life.
Some may struggle with mental health issues more than others....and they should NOT have to be ashamed of that. So this is me, telling YOU that if you are suffering in silence because you feel like you can't talk about mental health....reach out and ask for support!!
It is only by asking for support that we help to reduce the stigma our society, at large, still has, surrounding mental health.
If someone you know and love is suffering, offer them your support.
If we all band together, we can end the negative stigma mental health issues have in our country, and work together to help those who need it!! Because let's face it -- everybody has "something."
Happy Mental Health Blog Day!!
It's been a while since I last posted, I know, but that has been because life has been super hectic.
In any case, I wanted to make sure I posted TODAY.
Why?? You might ask. Well, today is "Mental Health Blog Day 2011" and I want to raise awareness!!
There are several great blog posts going up today, so mine will be short, sweet, and to the point.
Mental health affects all of us, in some way, shape, or form, every day of our lives. Some days you may be in good mental health. Some days it may not be so good. The important thing is you recognize that the mere fact you have a MIND means you have varying degrees of mental health throughout your life.
Some may struggle with mental health issues more than others....and they should NOT have to be ashamed of that. So this is me, telling YOU that if you are suffering in silence because you feel like you can't talk about mental health....reach out and ask for support!!
It is only by asking for support that we help to reduce the stigma our society, at large, still has, surrounding mental health.
If someone you know and love is suffering, offer them your support.
If we all band together, we can end the negative stigma mental health issues have in our country, and work together to help those who need it!! Because let's face it -- everybody has "something."
Happy Mental Health Blog Day!!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
"When I discover who I am, I'll be free."
So I was perusing quotes the other day, and came across one I thought was worthy of sharing. The quote is actually the title of this blog post, but I've shared it below, as well:
"When I discover who I am, I'll be free." -- Ralph Ellison
I'd really love to hear what this quote means for YOU!! What does discovering who you are look like?? Do you have any idea who you really are?? What does "being free" look like to you??
Please share your thoughts -- remember, the only thing that can hold you back is you, so take a risk and make your opinions known!!
As always, remember: RECOVERY ROCKS!!
God bless
Monday, May 2, 2011
"Desperate Housewives" syndrome.
I came across an article that particularly intrigued me regarding eating disorders and the influence Desperate Housewives (my favorite TV show) has on women, particularly those who are classified as "middle aged." The full article can be read here, but I've included a couple of quotes from the article below.
“There is an epidemic of disordered eating and body image despair,” says Dr. Maine, who is giving a talk on midlife eating disorders on Tuesday at a conference organized by the National Eating Disorder Information Centre in Toronto."
"Some researchers call it the “Desperate Housewives effect,” referring to the cultural influence of the hit TV series, in which improbably thin women in their 40s prance around in short shorts."
So, for those of you who watch Desperate Housewives, or for those of you who may have just seen commercials for the show or maybe have caught only an episode or two, do you think it is an accurate statement to say that the show could perpetuate eating disorders in the middle aged women age group?? I know I, personally have my own thoughts, mainly because I, myself, have compared myself to those "improbably thin women" on the show (even though I still tune in every week), but I would LOVE to hear what y'all have to say!!
As always, remember: RECOVERY ROCKS!!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Winning.
So I came across a quote on a friend's facebook page yesterday, which I immediately applied to my own recovery, and which I then also posted as my facebook status. The quote says this:
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
How do YOU define Recovery??
Here I have another post inspired by a news article in the New York Times. The article is entitled, "In Fighting Anorexia, Recovery is Elusive" and can be read in its entirety here. If you want to read a more "Reader's Digest" version of the article, you can do so here.
The article starts by discussing a physician, Dr. Suzanne Dooley-Hash, and her views on Recovery (she has struggled with an eating disorder since she was 15).
The article caused me to ask myself a question I have thought about countless times in my own Recovery process: "Becca, how do YOU define Recovery??"
So I would like to pose the question to you readers, as well. How do YOU define Recovery?? This could be Recovery from an eating disorder or any other type of addiction. In the case of an Ed, do you define Recovery as "maintaining a stable, healthy weight for X amount of days/weeks/months/years"?? In the case of any addiction, (although my primary focus is Ed) do you define Recovery as being symptom-free for a certain amount of time?? Do you define Recovery as being free from the thoughts/urges that go along with you disorder??
What factors do you use in determining what "Recovery" truly is?? Also, something else on which I'd like to hear your thoughts....Do you think a "full Recovery" is possible?? And if so, do you think it's possible for YOU??
Comment away!! And, as always, remember: RECOVERY ROCKS!!
God bless
The article starts by discussing a physician, Dr. Suzanne Dooley-Hash, and her views on Recovery (she has struggled with an eating disorder since she was 15).
The article caused me to ask myself a question I have thought about countless times in my own Recovery process: "Becca, how do YOU define Recovery??"
So I would like to pose the question to you readers, as well. How do YOU define Recovery?? This could be Recovery from an eating disorder or any other type of addiction. In the case of an Ed, do you define Recovery as "maintaining a stable, healthy weight for X amount of days/weeks/months/years"?? In the case of any addiction, (although my primary focus is Ed) do you define Recovery as being symptom-free for a certain amount of time?? Do you define Recovery as being free from the thoughts/urges that go along with you disorder??
What factors do you use in determining what "Recovery" truly is?? Also, something else on which I'd like to hear your thoughts....Do you think a "full Recovery" is possible?? And if so, do you think it's possible for YOU??
Comment away!! And, as always, remember: RECOVERY ROCKS!!
God bless
Monday, April 25, 2011
Standardizing Size
Good evening, all!
This is not going to be a super long post this time, I promise!!
I just came across an article in the New York Times that was published yesterday, and I think it is definitely worthy of attention.
The article deals with the women's clothing market, and how sizes are so arbitrary from store to store. A quote from the beginning of the article states: "In one store, you’re a Size 4, in another a Size 8, and in another a Size 10 — all without gaining an ounce."
I couldn't have said it better, myself....the ridiculous variance among designers/manufacturers for what constitutes any one particular clothing size. You can read the article in its entirety here.
I have my own thoughts/opinions on the matter of arbitrary sizes, but I'd love to hear your thoughts!! For now, I will just say that (this once, at least) women's clothing manufacturers and designers should take a tip from the designers and manufacturers of men's clothes (which are sometimes even the same, another reason women's sizes are ridiculous) and have a universal sizing system.
So....if you feel up to it, take it away.
As always, remember....RECOVERY ROCKS!!
God bless
This is not going to be a super long post this time, I promise!!
I just came across an article in the New York Times that was published yesterday, and I think it is definitely worthy of attention.
The article deals with the women's clothing market, and how sizes are so arbitrary from store to store. A quote from the beginning of the article states: "In one store, you’re a Size 4, in another a Size 8, and in another a Size 10 — all without gaining an ounce."
I couldn't have said it better, myself....the ridiculous variance among designers/manufacturers for what constitutes any one particular clothing size. You can read the article in its entirety here.
I have my own thoughts/opinions on the matter of arbitrary sizes, but I'd love to hear your thoughts!! For now, I will just say that (this once, at least) women's clothing manufacturers and designers should take a tip from the designers and manufacturers of men's clothes (which are sometimes even the same, another reason women's sizes are ridiculous) and have a universal sizing system.
So....if you feel up to it, take it away.
As always, remember....RECOVERY ROCKS!!
God bless
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Building my Following
Hello friends,
I want to note a few things in this post. It may be a little lengthy, but I have a lot to say, so please bear with me. First and foremost, I want to give a little back story for the title above ("Building my Following").
A week and a half ago, I went to Centre's GOLD Rush networking event, an event where current Centre students can engage in "speed networking" with Centre alums. There were 4 or 5 English major alums there, and while you'd think they would have given me the most valuable insight on what I can do when I graduate, the most encouraging alum I talked to was actually a Psychology and Drama major. Our conversation went something like this:
Me: Well, I'm an English major, so there's not really a specific career related question I have for you, but I guess I could ask this -- did you know you wanted to have the job you now have while you were still at Centre?? Because I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Alum: Let me ask you this -- if money were no object, what would you like to do??
Me: If money were no object?? I'd be a professional blogger.
Alum: Really?? What do you blog about??
Me: I blog mostly about recovery-related issues. I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, and I like to write about it because I think there are a lot of people that can relate.
Alum: Wow, my sister is in recovery, too!!
Me: How cool!!
(I then go on to elaborate about my LONG TERM life goal of opening a residential treatment facility in my hometown)
Alum: What's stopping you??
Me: Well, I'm not sure exactly what the next step would be.
Alum: Have you ever had a contact who worked in one?? (not his exact words, but that was the gist of it)
Me: No, but I was a patient in one.
Alum: Which one, if you don't mind my asking??
Me: Remuda Ranch, out in Arizona.
Alum: No way -- That's where my sister went.
(The three minutes were up)
Alum: I definitely want to talk to you more when you've finished making your rounds....this is an awesome dream and I want to hear more!!
That was generally what out conversation was like, although I'm sure I'm not quoting it exactly. Point being, I had someone ENCOURAGE me about my dream for my life. We talked for like 15 minutes after the event was officially over, and then I was on such a high that I emailed my mentor, explaining how inspiring the event was.
Among the many things my mentor said, one of the things that really struck a chord to me is that perhaps the most immediately accessible place to start achieving my dream is to focus on the smaller-scale dream of professional blogging, which FINALLY brings me to the title of this post: I am doing everything I can to build my following.
It's common knowledge that in order to be respected in a field, you almost assuredly have to take a great amount of time and effort into making yourself known in that particular field. I have so many contacts in the eating disorders recovery world, and I want people to be able to hear my name and say, "Becca Jackson?? Yeah, I know her!! She (blogs/tweets/gives public speaking presentations/has authored a recovery book/mentors/any number of things). I love her work!!" I realize I have a LONG WAY to go before that can come to fruition, but hey, everybody has to start somewhere, right??
As far as steps I've already taken to try to get my name out there in the Ed recovery world, I have started this blog, I do public speaking presentations to raise awareness about eating disorders at local high schools, and just last night I started my "professional" Twitter account (@RecoveryColors , if you want to follow!! This username is actually based on what I want my treatment facility to be named -- "Shades of Life"). Also, I have an awesome friend, Marc Bentley, who just gave me an excellent PR blog post promoting this blog (Marc's blog is The Appalachian Scholar -- I recommend it to everyone, although this one sentence does not do his blog the justice it deserves....it really is great!!).
In any case, if any of you have a moment on here, or on Twitter, or on Facebook, or by word of mouth, to spread the word that this blog exists, and that the @RecoveryColors Twitter account exists (even though I've only posted a few tweets on there so far), that would be GREATLY appreciated!!
And as always, remember: RECOVERY ROCKS!!
God bless
I want to note a few things in this post. It may be a little lengthy, but I have a lot to say, so please bear with me. First and foremost, I want to give a little back story for the title above ("Building my Following").
A week and a half ago, I went to Centre's GOLD Rush networking event, an event where current Centre students can engage in "speed networking" with Centre alums. There were 4 or 5 English major alums there, and while you'd think they would have given me the most valuable insight on what I can do when I graduate, the most encouraging alum I talked to was actually a Psychology and Drama major. Our conversation went something like this:
Me: Well, I'm an English major, so there's not really a specific career related question I have for you, but I guess I could ask this -- did you know you wanted to have the job you now have while you were still at Centre?? Because I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Alum: Let me ask you this -- if money were no object, what would you like to do??
Me: If money were no object?? I'd be a professional blogger.
Alum: Really?? What do you blog about??
Me: I blog mostly about recovery-related issues. I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, and I like to write about it because I think there are a lot of people that can relate.
Alum: Wow, my sister is in recovery, too!!
Me: How cool!!
(I then go on to elaborate about my LONG TERM life goal of opening a residential treatment facility in my hometown)
Alum: What's stopping you??
Me: Well, I'm not sure exactly what the next step would be.
Alum: Have you ever had a contact who worked in one?? (not his exact words, but that was the gist of it)
Me: No, but I was a patient in one.
Alum: Which one, if you don't mind my asking??
Me: Remuda Ranch, out in Arizona.
Alum: No way -- That's where my sister went.
(The three minutes were up)
Alum: I definitely want to talk to you more when you've finished making your rounds....this is an awesome dream and I want to hear more!!
That was generally what out conversation was like, although I'm sure I'm not quoting it exactly. Point being, I had someone ENCOURAGE me about my dream for my life. We talked for like 15 minutes after the event was officially over, and then I was on such a high that I emailed my mentor, explaining how inspiring the event was.
Among the many things my mentor said, one of the things that really struck a chord to me is that perhaps the most immediately accessible place to start achieving my dream is to focus on the smaller-scale dream of professional blogging, which FINALLY brings me to the title of this post: I am doing everything I can to build my following.
It's common knowledge that in order to be respected in a field, you almost assuredly have to take a great amount of time and effort into making yourself known in that particular field. I have so many contacts in the eating disorders recovery world, and I want people to be able to hear my name and say, "Becca Jackson?? Yeah, I know her!! She (blogs/tweets/gives public speaking presentations/has authored a recovery book/mentors/any number of things). I love her work!!" I realize I have a LONG WAY to go before that can come to fruition, but hey, everybody has to start somewhere, right??
As far as steps I've already taken to try to get my name out there in the Ed recovery world, I have started this blog, I do public speaking presentations to raise awareness about eating disorders at local high schools, and just last night I started my "professional" Twitter account (@RecoveryColors , if you want to follow!! This username is actually based on what I want my treatment facility to be named -- "Shades of Life"). Also, I have an awesome friend, Marc Bentley, who just gave me an excellent PR blog post promoting this blog (Marc's blog is The Appalachian Scholar -- I recommend it to everyone, although this one sentence does not do his blog the justice it deserves....it really is great!!).
In any case, if any of you have a moment on here, or on Twitter, or on Facebook, or by word of mouth, to spread the word that this blog exists, and that the @RecoveryColors Twitter account exists (even though I've only posted a few tweets on there so far), that would be GREATLY appreciated!!
And as always, remember: RECOVERY ROCKS!!
God bless
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Set Point. What do YOU think??
So I was reading this article today, which I found via a tweet from a Registered Dietitian I follow, and which I posted on facebook. The article is all about finding, and accepting, your “set point” – that is, the weight at which your body is supposed to stay when you are practicing healthy eating and exercise habits.
I think it’s an interesting article, for sure. Here is the link, in case you want to read (I recommend it!!): http://bit.ly/hisglA
Anyway, the writer of the article is to be admired. She has been able to accept her body at its “set point,” after years of dieting, excessive exercise, and practicing unhealthy eating habits in order to achieve her “ideal weight,” or the weight she wanted to be.
One thing that caught my attention was her reaffirmation that diets do NOT work. She points out that if you go on a diet, sure, you may lose a lot of weight, but you can’t keep up the diet forever because your body will rebel against you and strive to get back to its “set point.”
I will be honest….accepting your “set point” is one of the most difficult aspects of recovery from an eating disorder. I have technically been “in recovery” for a while, but I still have not fully accepted my “set point.” That said, I do think that one day I WILL be able to accept my “set point,” and I can’t wait for that day to come. I have confidence that everyone who suffers with an eating disorder has the ability to, one day, accept their bodies at their “set point.”
Really, I think this article should be a mandated read for anyone in recovery from an eating disorder.
Thoughts?? Do you think the “set point” is something everyone should strive to accept?? (Reading the article will help explain it a little better than I have here.)
God bless,
Thursday, April 7, 2011
"Hey Problem, I have a big God!!"
So I was on facebook today and saw a quote on one of my facebook friend's statuses that I then copped and set as my status. The quote is this:
“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He guards all of his bones; not one of them is broken.” (Psalm 34:19)
Not only does God fight for us, but He promises to DELIVER us from what ails us. We just have to be mindful that He will do it on HIS time, not OUR time, and DEFINITELY NOT Ed's (or any other affliction's) time, because if He did it on the schedule of the latter, it would never be accomplished, and if He did it on OUR time, it would never teach us patience (one of the hardest, but most rewarding, fruits of the Spirit, to embody).
So....to wrap up....instead of telling God, "God, I have this really big problem and I don't think I can beat it," we should say, "Problem, I have an insurmountably big GOD, and He will take care of you!!"
So take THAT, Ed!! MY GOD FIGHTS ON MY BEHALF, which means He will help me defeat YOU!!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Recovery -- Lessons I've Learned at Centre
Okay, so it's after midnight on Friday, April 1st, which means it's technically Saturday, April 2nd for those of us here in the EST zone. Which means........yes, only a mere 50 days till graduation!!
I've been reflecting for a while on the various parts of my Centre experience, the good, the not so good, and the downright bad. Overall, though, I will say that my career as a Centre College student has been a success. While there are some things I have done that you couldn't pay me to do again (namely, taking Econ 110, Calculus, and Psychology ALL in my first semester here), I will say that as far as my recovery has been over the past almost 4 years, I wouldn't change one thing. Now, some of you reading this might think, "Are you serious, Becca?! I KNOW you have struggled with your eating disorder, sometimes severely, during your time at Centre. Are you saying you would do all that over again if you had the option to change it?!"
In answer to that question, I would say, "Yes, that's what I'm saying. I wouldn't change a single thing....not even the steps backward. I realize that not everyone can resonate with that statement, so I will explicate it further. The reason I wouldn't change even the worst struggles I've had here is because I am a firm believer that EVERY SINGLE STEP on your recovery journey counts, EVEN STEPS BACKWARD, as long as you LEARN from them. That's not to say I would ENJOY reliving the moments where I have really struggled, but I DO look at them as learning experiences, and as long as I view them as such, as learning experiences, and as long as I don't view them as "regrets," they have helped shape me into the capable, able-minded, persevering, and STRONG young woman I am becoming more and more every day. (Wow, I really didn't mean to praise myself there, but those are qualities I feel I have been developing for countless years, particularly the past 4 years, and I am going to be PROUD of them, daggone it!!)
In any case, I feel an urgent need to write this post before I forget what has been on my mind tonight. Without further ado, here are the Recovery lessons I've learned while at Centre. And if I'm being honest, some of them don't necessarily ONLY apply to Ed recovery....it's just that that's the vein they have taken on for me.
(Not in any particular order....not chronological, not from lesser to more important significance....just writing them as they come to me).
Lesson 1: Recovery, much like grades at Centre, cannot be perfect.
Before I came to Centre, I had never received anything less than an "A" on a report card. Also, before I came to Centre, I put tremendous pressure on myself to have the "perfect" recovery, even though I logically KNEW there was no such thing and I was only setting myself up for failure. I will never forget that Monday we got our Econ 110 midterms back after Fall Break freshman year (it was a 9:10 class, in case you're wondering, and the midterm was 35% of our final grade, in case you're doubting my ability to remember). I got a 19. No, that's not a 19/20....I got a 19%. You can imagine how big of a shock it was to me (this had been my first Centre test) when I saw that midterm!! I had been so sure I had known what I was doing....there was no way, I, Rebecca Jackson, was going to fail that test. I don't get failing grades. Riiiight. That midterm was what I like to call my "wake-up call." That was the first time I realized, "Okay, Bec, you're not in high school anymore....you obviously can't get straight A's in college." Did that mean I was okay with the grade?? Of course not. Who would be?? But did it mean that I quit trying, gave up on the class, and dropped out of school?? Heck no. I worked my butt off in that class (and in Calculus and Psychology, both classes in which I also received not great test grades, but at least passed the tests) and ended up passing. Sure, maybe it was a marginal passing grade, but it was still a passing grade. I picked myself up, got my Gen. Ed. credit, and moved on. I wish I could say I learned this lesson about not being able to have a "perfect" recovery as early as I learned it was okay to have non-perfect grades, but to be honest, I'm not sure I realized this fully until this past Fall semester (senior year) or maybe even this Spring semester. And really, I'm not sure if I completely believe it with every part of my being, but I logically KNOW it's true. There have been too many instances where I have (for lack of a better phrase) screwed up....yet I'm still alive, still fighting, and am starting to accept that there is no such thing as a "perfect" recovery, and I need to be okay with that. I AM starting to be okay with that. It has taken several years, and I still have a ways to go, but I am becoming increasingly more okay with that every day. Well, almost every day. If it were really every day, that would be perfection, right??
Lesson 2: Second chances DO exist.
Second chances....as well as third....and fourth....and more chances....are realities in almost any recovery situation, to some degree. If I kept track of the multiple number of chances I have been given by various members of the Centre community to "do the next right thing" (not necessarily in those terms, but that is a phrase that resonates with me, so I'm using it), and if I wrote in this post about the graciousness of several faculty and staff members (some of whom may not come as readily to your mind as others, including the wonderful cafeteria greeter who let me bring my own meals to Cowan sophomore year without argument when I knew she wasn't supposed to let me do it........thank you, Sue!!), you would be reading for hours. Thankfully, many of them know who they are (if for no other reason than I send spontaneous "thank you" notes throughout the school year for everything they have done for me), and I hope they know I am eternally grateful for the second (and third....and fourth....you get the picture) chances I have been afforded to get myself together recovery-wise (my words, not theirs) while still remaining at Centre, working toward my degree, and graduating on time!!
Lesson 3: There will always be at least one person who believes in you and your ability to recover....and there is usually more than one. And even when you can't feel that there is a PERSON there for you, you can ALWAYS know that GOD NEVER LEAVES YOU.
Dear heavens, I know if it weren't for the people who have been put in my path to help nudge me along the way, encourage me, and say, "Yes, you CAN do this, I KNOW you can, Becca!!", goodness knows I wouldn't be half as well-off as I am today, in any facet of life. Whether it's any of the Centre faculty/staff that I mentioned above, or my fiance, or my family, or one of my select true friends, or our Baptist Campus Ministries advisor, or even the puppies I got to play with as part of a psych study freshman year, I can honestly say that there has always been someone I could count on when I needed someone to offer advice, to lend a shoulder to cry on, to just listen to me talk, or just to have a downright FUN NIGHT to distract me from overwhelming feelings I'm experiencing. I honestly don't know where I'd be without each and every one of them. Having people who believe in you is invaluable. And while I wouldn't trade my relationships with these people for the world, I also realize and recognize that I wouldn't be anywhere without my faith in GOD, and His perfect support and guidance on my journey.
Lesson 4: Going to the cafeteria can be fun.
Now, that is a sentence I honestly thought I would never be able to say. Or at least, I never thought I would say it and MEAN it. Don't get me wrong, I still hate going to the cafeteria, for the most part. But just this semester alone I have been able to, on a few occasions, ENJOY my time there with my friends. Sure, the food sucks (Oh, Sodexo....how I will not miss you), but if you can get past the horrible food, and for me, if I can get past my fear of eating in front of other people, and if you can focus on the conversations you have with your friends while you're there, going to Cowan doesn't suck quite as bad. On the contrary, when you can get really wrapped up in the conversation and are able to be PRESENT at the breakfast/lunch/dinner table, mealtimes can be quite fun, indeed!! While I know I still have a long ways to go before I can enjoy the actual eating part of the meals, I have made tremendous strides in just being able to not have an anxiety attack when I walk through the cafeteria doors.
Lesson 5: One of the most important words you will ever learn is: BALANCE. Learn it. Live it.
College is perhaps the era of life where this lesson is the most important to learn, especially for someone with an eating disorder. You absolutely HAVE to find a balance between everything you need to do, everything you want to do....and sleep. :) I have learned that I can't focus all of my time and energy solely on schoolwork. Every time I have focused on schoolwork and schoolwork alone, my recovery has really suffered a blow. Conversely, I can't focus 100% of my time, energy, and effort on solely recovery-related things. If I did that, my schoolwork would surely suffer. If I focused every waking moment on what I want to focus it on, God, and neglected everything else, then I certainly wouldn't still be at this wonderful institution of higher learning. Learning to balance God, recovery, classes, homework, clubs/extracurriculars, meals with friends, and sleep is a hard thing to do. Especially if you want to leave any time left for FUN and RELAXATION (Facebook, Youtube, and Twitter come to mind for me). But it is what it is....time management is a necessary part of college life, and with time management comes balance. It's something on which I am still finding I have to constantly work, but it is doable, and my skills of balancing things well are improving.
Lesson 6: Never give up on yourself.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. If I gave up on myself every time I felt as if I wanted to, I have no idea if I would even be alive today. But by the grace of God, and with the help of others, I have been able to claim my identity in Christ and know that that is where TRUTH is found, and that only be seeking God can I fully learn to trust that I am NOT destined to be a failure. Recovery IS possible. While I'm not 100% there yet, I know it's possible, and I have faith I will be there some day.
Thank you for reading this far, if you did.
God bless,
-Becca
I've been reflecting for a while on the various parts of my Centre experience, the good, the not so good, and the downright bad. Overall, though, I will say that my career as a Centre College student has been a success. While there are some things I have done that you couldn't pay me to do again (namely, taking Econ 110, Calculus, and Psychology ALL in my first semester here), I will say that as far as my recovery has been over the past almost 4 years, I wouldn't change one thing. Now, some of you reading this might think, "Are you serious, Becca?! I KNOW you have struggled with your eating disorder, sometimes severely, during your time at Centre. Are you saying you would do all that over again if you had the option to change it?!"
In answer to that question, I would say, "Yes, that's what I'm saying. I wouldn't change a single thing....not even the steps backward. I realize that not everyone can resonate with that statement, so I will explicate it further. The reason I wouldn't change even the worst struggles I've had here is because I am a firm believer that EVERY SINGLE STEP on your recovery journey counts, EVEN STEPS BACKWARD, as long as you LEARN from them. That's not to say I would ENJOY reliving the moments where I have really struggled, but I DO look at them as learning experiences, and as long as I view them as such, as learning experiences, and as long as I don't view them as "regrets," they have helped shape me into the capable, able-minded, persevering, and STRONG young woman I am becoming more and more every day. (Wow, I really didn't mean to praise myself there, but those are qualities I feel I have been developing for countless years, particularly the past 4 years, and I am going to be PROUD of them, daggone it!!)
In any case, I feel an urgent need to write this post before I forget what has been on my mind tonight. Without further ado, here are the Recovery lessons I've learned while at Centre. And if I'm being honest, some of them don't necessarily ONLY apply to Ed recovery....it's just that that's the vein they have taken on for me.
(Not in any particular order....not chronological, not from lesser to more important significance....just writing them as they come to me).
Lesson 1: Recovery, much like grades at Centre, cannot be perfect.
Before I came to Centre, I had never received anything less than an "A" on a report card. Also, before I came to Centre, I put tremendous pressure on myself to have the "perfect" recovery, even though I logically KNEW there was no such thing and I was only setting myself up for failure. I will never forget that Monday we got our Econ 110 midterms back after Fall Break freshman year (it was a 9:10 class, in case you're wondering, and the midterm was 35% of our final grade, in case you're doubting my ability to remember). I got a 19. No, that's not a 19/20....I got a 19%. You can imagine how big of a shock it was to me (this had been my first Centre test) when I saw that midterm!! I had been so sure I had known what I was doing....there was no way, I, Rebecca Jackson, was going to fail that test. I don't get failing grades. Riiiight. That midterm was what I like to call my "wake-up call." That was the first time I realized, "Okay, Bec, you're not in high school anymore....you obviously can't get straight A's in college." Did that mean I was okay with the grade?? Of course not. Who would be?? But did it mean that I quit trying, gave up on the class, and dropped out of school?? Heck no. I worked my butt off in that class (and in Calculus and Psychology, both classes in which I also received not great test grades, but at least passed the tests) and ended up passing. Sure, maybe it was a marginal passing grade, but it was still a passing grade. I picked myself up, got my Gen. Ed. credit, and moved on. I wish I could say I learned this lesson about not being able to have a "perfect" recovery as early as I learned it was okay to have non-perfect grades, but to be honest, I'm not sure I realized this fully until this past Fall semester (senior year) or maybe even this Spring semester. And really, I'm not sure if I completely believe it with every part of my being, but I logically KNOW it's true. There have been too many instances where I have (for lack of a better phrase) screwed up....yet I'm still alive, still fighting, and am starting to accept that there is no such thing as a "perfect" recovery, and I need to be okay with that. I AM starting to be okay with that. It has taken several years, and I still have a ways to go, but I am becoming increasingly more okay with that every day. Well, almost every day. If it were really every day, that would be perfection, right??
Lesson 2: Second chances DO exist.
Second chances....as well as third....and fourth....and more chances....are realities in almost any recovery situation, to some degree. If I kept track of the multiple number of chances I have been given by various members of the Centre community to "do the next right thing" (not necessarily in those terms, but that is a phrase that resonates with me, so I'm using it), and if I wrote in this post about the graciousness of several faculty and staff members (some of whom may not come as readily to your mind as others, including the wonderful cafeteria greeter who let me bring my own meals to Cowan sophomore year without argument when I knew she wasn't supposed to let me do it........thank you, Sue!!), you would be reading for hours. Thankfully, many of them know who they are (if for no other reason than I send spontaneous "thank you" notes throughout the school year for everything they have done for me), and I hope they know I am eternally grateful for the second (and third....and fourth....you get the picture) chances I have been afforded to get myself together recovery-wise (my words, not theirs) while still remaining at Centre, working toward my degree, and graduating on time!!
Lesson 3: There will always be at least one person who believes in you and your ability to recover....and there is usually more than one. And even when you can't feel that there is a PERSON there for you, you can ALWAYS know that GOD NEVER LEAVES YOU.
Dear heavens, I know if it weren't for the people who have been put in my path to help nudge me along the way, encourage me, and say, "Yes, you CAN do this, I KNOW you can, Becca!!", goodness knows I wouldn't be half as well-off as I am today, in any facet of life. Whether it's any of the Centre faculty/staff that I mentioned above, or my fiance, or my family, or one of my select true friends, or our Baptist Campus Ministries advisor, or even the puppies I got to play with as part of a psych study freshman year, I can honestly say that there has always been someone I could count on when I needed someone to offer advice, to lend a shoulder to cry on, to just listen to me talk, or just to have a downright FUN NIGHT to distract me from overwhelming feelings I'm experiencing. I honestly don't know where I'd be without each and every one of them. Having people who believe in you is invaluable. And while I wouldn't trade my relationships with these people for the world, I also realize and recognize that I wouldn't be anywhere without my faith in GOD, and His perfect support and guidance on my journey.
Lesson 4: Going to the cafeteria can be fun.
Now, that is a sentence I honestly thought I would never be able to say. Or at least, I never thought I would say it and MEAN it. Don't get me wrong, I still hate going to the cafeteria, for the most part. But just this semester alone I have been able to, on a few occasions, ENJOY my time there with my friends. Sure, the food sucks (Oh, Sodexo....how I will not miss you), but if you can get past the horrible food, and for me, if I can get past my fear of eating in front of other people, and if you can focus on the conversations you have with your friends while you're there, going to Cowan doesn't suck quite as bad. On the contrary, when you can get really wrapped up in the conversation and are able to be PRESENT at the breakfast/lunch/dinner table, mealtimes can be quite fun, indeed!! While I know I still have a long ways to go before I can enjoy the actual eating part of the meals, I have made tremendous strides in just being able to not have an anxiety attack when I walk through the cafeteria doors.
Lesson 5: One of the most important words you will ever learn is: BALANCE. Learn it. Live it.
College is perhaps the era of life where this lesson is the most important to learn, especially for someone with an eating disorder. You absolutely HAVE to find a balance between everything you need to do, everything you want to do....and sleep. :) I have learned that I can't focus all of my time and energy solely on schoolwork. Every time I have focused on schoolwork and schoolwork alone, my recovery has really suffered a blow. Conversely, I can't focus 100% of my time, energy, and effort on solely recovery-related things. If I did that, my schoolwork would surely suffer. If I focused every waking moment on what I want to focus it on, God, and neglected everything else, then I certainly wouldn't still be at this wonderful institution of higher learning. Learning to balance God, recovery, classes, homework, clubs/extracurriculars, meals with friends, and sleep is a hard thing to do. Especially if you want to leave any time left for FUN and RELAXATION (Facebook, Youtube, and Twitter come to mind for me). But it is what it is....time management is a necessary part of college life, and with time management comes balance. It's something on which I am still finding I have to constantly work, but it is doable, and my skills of balancing things well are improving.
Lesson 6: Never give up on yourself.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. If I gave up on myself every time I felt as if I wanted to, I have no idea if I would even be alive today. But by the grace of God, and with the help of others, I have been able to claim my identity in Christ and know that that is where TRUTH is found, and that only be seeking God can I fully learn to trust that I am NOT destined to be a failure. Recovery IS possible. While I'm not 100% there yet, I know it's possible, and I have faith I will be there some day.
Thank you for reading this far, if you did.
God bless,
-Becca
Monday, March 28, 2011
Remuda East closing -- Insanity continues!!
Okay, I don't post in over a month, and now I'm posting twice in one day. This really merits a post, though. I am infuriated!!
The Eating Disorders Coalition (EDC) blogged today about how Remuda East (the Virginia branch of the Remuda Ranch Residential Treatment Center) will be closing its doors due to....yep, you guessed it....LACK OF COVERAGE BY INSURANCE COMPANIES.
*steps on soapbox*
I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, when I was a patient at Remuda Ranch in Arizona, Anthem BC/BS (who was a leading contributor to RR East closing its doors) didn't cover a single penny of my stay!! Since that was the case, RR was willing to work out a payment plan which put my family paying quite a bit every month for five years. I know for a FACT that I am not the only person denied treatment access by an insurance company. And I know that there are probably millions of individuals out there who cannot receive treatment at all because they are not as fortunate as I was....their families wouldn't be able to do what mine did, simply because of life circumstances. I was lucky. I am blessed.
BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT THIS IS WRONG!!!!
How many individuals are going to have to pay the ultimate price (death) before these insurance companies get the picture?! How many individuals will have to go untreated because their insurance companies ARE NOT working FOR them, but instead are OPPOSING them?! In an age where more and more treatment facilities should be OPENING (do to growing demand in recent years), we instead have wonderful facilities like Remuda East CLOSING because the insurance companies won't PAY UP.
Did you know Anorexia Nervosa has the highest mortality rate of ANY mental illness?? Get that?? That means MORE PEOPLE DIE EACH YEAR FROM ANOREXIA NERVOSA THAN FROM ANY OTHER MENTAL ILLNESS. And did you know that individuals who suffer with Anorexia Nervosa receive the least amount of insurance coverage compared to, say, Schizophrenia?? Why on EARTH would insurance companies deny coverage to those who suffer?!
I realize this post is being written out of pure emotionality on my part, but seriously....what is it going to TAKE for insurance companies to get it through their heads that they need to offer coverage to clients suffering with eating disorders?!
I would LIKE to be able to say that I don't think every insurance provider sits around and is happy with the way they treat their clients who suffer with these disorders, but I can't help but think that only cold, callous people could stand to work for companies who CLEARLY DO NOT have their PAYING clients' best interests in mind.
Reasons like the closing of Remuda East are why things like the FREED Act (Federal Response to Eliminate Eating Disorders) are so important.
It is absolutely sickening to think of the amount of insurance coverage (or lack of coverage, rather) eating disorders receive.
*steps off soapbox*
The Eating Disorders Coalition (EDC) blogged today about how Remuda East (the Virginia branch of the Remuda Ranch Residential Treatment Center) will be closing its doors due to....yep, you guessed it....LACK OF COVERAGE BY INSURANCE COMPANIES.
*steps on soapbox*
I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, when I was a patient at Remuda Ranch in Arizona, Anthem BC/BS (who was a leading contributor to RR East closing its doors) didn't cover a single penny of my stay!! Since that was the case, RR was willing to work out a payment plan which put my family paying quite a bit every month for five years. I know for a FACT that I am not the only person denied treatment access by an insurance company. And I know that there are probably millions of individuals out there who cannot receive treatment at all because they are not as fortunate as I was....their families wouldn't be able to do what mine did, simply because of life circumstances. I was lucky. I am blessed.
BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT THIS IS WRONG!!!!
How many individuals are going to have to pay the ultimate price (death) before these insurance companies get the picture?! How many individuals will have to go untreated because their insurance companies ARE NOT working FOR them, but instead are OPPOSING them?! In an age where more and more treatment facilities should be OPENING (do to growing demand in recent years), we instead have wonderful facilities like Remuda East CLOSING because the insurance companies won't PAY UP.
Did you know Anorexia Nervosa has the highest mortality rate of ANY mental illness?? Get that?? That means MORE PEOPLE DIE EACH YEAR FROM ANOREXIA NERVOSA THAN FROM ANY OTHER MENTAL ILLNESS. And did you know that individuals who suffer with Anorexia Nervosa receive the least amount of insurance coverage compared to, say, Schizophrenia?? Why on EARTH would insurance companies deny coverage to those who suffer?!
I realize this post is being written out of pure emotionality on my part, but seriously....what is it going to TAKE for insurance companies to get it through their heads that they need to offer coverage to clients suffering with eating disorders?!
I would LIKE to be able to say that I don't think every insurance provider sits around and is happy with the way they treat their clients who suffer with these disorders, but I can't help but think that only cold, callous people could stand to work for companies who CLEARLY DO NOT have their PAYING clients' best interests in mind.
Reasons like the closing of Remuda East are why things like the FREED Act (Federal Response to Eliminate Eating Disorders) are so important.
It is absolutely sickening to think of the amount of insurance coverage (or lack of coverage, rather) eating disorders receive.
*steps off soapbox*
A&F mistake. BIG mistake.
Wow, okay, so it's been a long time since I've blogged (over a month.....yikes!!), but I finally have something for inspiration....the newest "trend" from Abercrombie and Fitch....padded, push-up bikinis for girls as young as 7 years old!!
First, here's the article link:
http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/12003880493293/abercrombie-fitch-sells-padded-bikini-tops-to-young-girls/
There are so many things wrong with this article...where to start??
I think I'll start by saying A&F is in the wrong because they are objectifying SEVEN YEAR OLDS. They are sending the message to LITTLE GIRLS that they need to be sexualized in order to be accepted. They are telling SEVEN YEAR OLD GIRLS that their bodies are not good as they are. Also, no seven year olds I know need a bra, which would mean the "push-up" part of this bikini would serve no purpose. Even if these were designed for teens, though, I would still find fault in them because they would still be spreading the MYTH that a girl's/woman's body is only acceptable when she alters it with an outside force.
But we're NOT talking about teenagers or women. Padded, push-up bathing suits have been sold to teenagers for decades. Trying to change that would be little more than a futile effort. But listen to me....we HAVE to change the sexualized image A&F is promoting to these young girls.
How can we expect young girls to refrain from dieting if they are told they are not "good enough" by any standard?? How can we expect young girls (maybe this applies more starting in the teens) to not "sell" their body by trying to make it look like what society deems appealing (which objectifies them to the extreme).
I don't know what Abercrombie and Fitch is smoking to think that this would be a good idea. They obviously know seven year old girls don't buy their own clothes, and that causes me to wonder....what kind of parents would buy such a thing for their little girl?? Obviously there are some who would, but that doesn't make it right. Not at all.
Sorry this was more of a rant than anything....I just needed to make my opinion known.
-Becca
First, here's the article link:
http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/12003880493293/abercrombie-fitch-sells-padded-bikini-tops-to-young-girls/
There are so many things wrong with this article...where to start??
I think I'll start by saying A&F is in the wrong because they are objectifying SEVEN YEAR OLDS. They are sending the message to LITTLE GIRLS that they need to be sexualized in order to be accepted. They are telling SEVEN YEAR OLD GIRLS that their bodies are not good as they are. Also, no seven year olds I know need a bra, which would mean the "push-up" part of this bikini would serve no purpose. Even if these were designed for teens, though, I would still find fault in them because they would still be spreading the MYTH that a girl's/woman's body is only acceptable when she alters it with an outside force.
But we're NOT talking about teenagers or women. Padded, push-up bathing suits have been sold to teenagers for decades. Trying to change that would be little more than a futile effort. But listen to me....we HAVE to change the sexualized image A&F is promoting to these young girls.
How can we expect young girls to refrain from dieting if they are told they are not "good enough" by any standard?? How can we expect young girls (maybe this applies more starting in the teens) to not "sell" their body by trying to make it look like what society deems appealing (which objectifies them to the extreme).
I don't know what Abercrombie and Fitch is smoking to think that this would be a good idea. They obviously know seven year old girls don't buy their own clothes, and that causes me to wonder....what kind of parents would buy such a thing for their little girl?? Obviously there are some who would, but that doesn't make it right. Not at all.
Sorry this was more of a rant than anything....I just needed to make my opinion known.
-Becca
Thursday, February 24, 2011
NEDAW 2011
So, today is the Thursday of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2011, and if I may say so, my last NEDAW as a Centre College student has been tremendously successful!! I anticipate the rest of the week to be successful, too....we only have one more day of our info table at lunch, but in lieu of the 5K we had for a couple of years (not last year, but one and two years before that), our speaker (Cary Kemp Larson, who is actually a Centre grad) is leading a resilience workshop for two hours on Saturday morning. I anticipate it to be very informational and, well, fun....because she's a fun person. I can tell that from just today. :)
Anyway, if you would have asked me this time LAST week what my feelings were about the upcoming NEDAW (well, upcoming if it were last week, but current since it's THIS week), I would have told you, "I honestly don't feel as if I am in any state of mind where I should be in this position of leadership I am in as president of Centre BALANCE, the sponsoring campus organization for NEDAW." Reason being, last week was not the best week I've had, recovery-wise. I have EXCELLENT news, though.
I am rocking some serious RECOVERY SWAGGER right now. Last weekend, I had an incredible amount of support/encouragement given to me by the person I love the most (Rog), and that support is what jump started me back on the right path. Honestly, I can say that I FEEL more in control of my recovery now....something that, a week ago, I would have said was impossible. Above ALL, though, I want to make sure that THE ONE who deserves ALL the credit receives it. See below.
I have told more than one person this over the course of the past few days, but I honestly would not be in recovery at all right now if it weren't for GOD. Seriously, while it's excellent to have Rog support me (and don't get me wrong, I'm definitely NOT discounting the support and understanding Rog gives me....I feel so incredibly blessed to have him in my life....and it IS largely due to his support/insistence that I was able to get back on the right track), it's even cooler to know that I have THE ONE AND ONLY TRUE GOD fighting for me. At times when I feel weak, not strong enough to fight my battles by myself, it's like I hear God whispering to me, "You don't have to do it alone. I am here. I am holding you. You are my precious child, and I will not let you fall." That is so AWESOME!!
I am also a firm believer that it is God who brought Rog into my life in the first place, and God who is the reason Rog and I are getting married in June. Consequently, I think God works THROUGH Rog to help empower me, and to help Rog know what to say to me to keep my focus where it needs to be (on Recovery, and on God) and not on the negative things (on Ed or on worldly things).
I feel like I'm rambling, plus I need to go to bed since I have an 8am class tomorrow and will be going to breakfast at 7 or 7:30, so I'll wrap this up.
So to close, I will just say one thing, as affirmation both to myself and to anyone else who may read this. To quote a favorite VeggieTales song: GOD IS BIGGER THAN THE BOOGEYMAN. Your personal boogeyman may not be Ed....it may be academic pressure, work stress, drug or alcohol addiction, or any number of personal demons....but I am writing so that you may REST ASSURED that GOD is bigger than ANY problems or trials you will EVER face. EVER. Period.
And I will close with a very uplifting, encouraging verse we should all meditate on daily:
He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.” (Isaiah 40:29)
God bless
Friday, February 11, 2011
Dear Friend
So it's Friday night, and while the majority of campus is drinking and partying, I am sitting in my room. Don't feel sorry for me, though, I like it this way. Not that I don't like hanging out with my friends, just that I don't like being around all the worldliness. I'd much rather escape to my safe haven and spend some time in worship.
I've been listening to some of my favorite encouraging music tonight. On the list is definitely Twila Paris' 1984 hit "The Warrior is a Child." The lyrics to that song are so perfect for anyone on a recovery journey. Downhere's "Calmer of the Storm" is also a great one for anyone who is struggling with anything. But while those two both can stand on their own, most definitely, they are not the songs that spoke to me the most tonight.
To be honest, the song that spoke to me the most tonight isn't directly a Christian song, but it can certainly be viewed as such. The song is "Dear Friend" by Stacie Orrico. I first heard this song while listening to some of my "complimentary" CDs Remuda Ranch gives to every patient they have. That would put my first listening sometime after September 2004. As far as the message of the song goes, with most praise songs I put myself in the position of the singer. This song is different, in that I wish I were the friend being sung TO, not doing the singing to someone else. It's a song that almost every female can relate to in at least one, but often both, of the roles (singer/listener) at some point in her life. I often feel like the friend who needs to go it alone and who is strong enough alone, but when it comes down to it, bottom line is I can do NOTHING without Jesus. While earthly friends are definitely wonderful to have, and make life much more tolerable, the only friend I truly NEED it Jesus. And what a dear, dear Friend He is!!
I'm posting the lyrics and a link to the song on YouTube. It's such a great recovery song, but like I said, a great song for any female, and some males, even. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4MwwP5iAq4
Dear Friend, what's on your mind
You don’t laugh the way you used to
But I've noticed how you cry
Dear friend, I feel so helpless
I see you sit in silence
As you face new pain each day
I feel there’s nothing I can do
I know you don’t feel pretty
Even though you are
But it wasn’t your beauty
That found room in my heart
Dear friend, you are so precious Dear Friend
Dear friend, I'm here for you
I know that you don’t talk too much
But we can share this day anew
Dear Friend, please don’t feel like you're alone
There is someone who is praying
Praying for your peace of mind
Hoping joy is what you'll find
I know you don’t feel weak
Even though you are
But it wasn’t your strength
That found room in my heart
Dear friend, you are so precious, Dear Friend
I've been listening to some of my favorite encouraging music tonight. On the list is definitely Twila Paris' 1984 hit "The Warrior is a Child." The lyrics to that song are so perfect for anyone on a recovery journey. Downhere's "Calmer of the Storm" is also a great one for anyone who is struggling with anything. But while those two both can stand on their own, most definitely, they are not the songs that spoke to me the most tonight.
To be honest, the song that spoke to me the most tonight isn't directly a Christian song, but it can certainly be viewed as such. The song is "Dear Friend" by Stacie Orrico. I first heard this song while listening to some of my "complimentary" CDs Remuda Ranch gives to every patient they have. That would put my first listening sometime after September 2004. As far as the message of the song goes, with most praise songs I put myself in the position of the singer. This song is different, in that I wish I were the friend being sung TO, not doing the singing to someone else. It's a song that almost every female can relate to in at least one, but often both, of the roles (singer/listener) at some point in her life. I often feel like the friend who needs to go it alone and who is strong enough alone, but when it comes down to it, bottom line is I can do NOTHING without Jesus. While earthly friends are definitely wonderful to have, and make life much more tolerable, the only friend I truly NEED it Jesus. And what a dear, dear Friend He is!!
I'm posting the lyrics and a link to the song on YouTube. It's such a great recovery song, but like I said, a great song for any female, and some males, even. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4MwwP5iAq4
Dear Friend, what's on your mind
You don’t laugh the way you used to
But I've noticed how you cry
Dear friend, I feel so helpless
I see you sit in silence
As you face new pain each day
I feel there’s nothing I can do
I know you don’t feel pretty
Even though you are
But it wasn’t your beauty
That found room in my heart
Dear friend, you are so precious Dear Friend
Dear friend, I'm here for you
I know that you don’t talk too much
But we can share this day anew
Dear Friend, please don’t feel like you're alone
There is someone who is praying
Praying for your peace of mind
Hoping joy is what you'll find
I know you don’t feel weak
Even though you are
But it wasn’t your strength
That found room in my heart
Dear friend, you are so precious, Dear Friend
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Layer by layer, brick by brick.
So I've technically been "in recovery" for over 7 years. That is, I was first officially diagnosed and received medical attention for my Ed over 7 years ago. There have been times in my past (even very recent past) where I have not wanted to accept that I have been "in recovery" for that long. It used to seem as a signal that was me saying, "Yeah, I used to have an eating disorder, but it's not something I really struggle with anymore." After all, during those first several years, I battled with the idea that there should be a "quick fix" to Ed. I even emailed my mentor frantically, more than once, exclaiming, "Why can't there just be a magic pill we could all take that would give us all the nutrients we need for the day and then we wouldn't have to freaking worry about eating?! It would make life a lot easier!!" To which my mentor replied, "Recovery isn't a destination, it's a process. It's not easy, but it's worth it."
I'll admit, that is a lot easier to type out now than it was to read the first time I read it. It's no secret that most patients with eating disorders struggle with perfectionism. My mentor calls herself a type AAA personality (in other words, type A to the extreme), and I have come to understand that is true for myself, as well. As such, I get easily frustrated when I can't just fix something, whether it means editing a paper, settling an argument, or yes, my own recovery. The notion of recovery being a process is something that, for a long time, just didn't sit right with me. Patience?? I don't have time for patience!! I have things to do!!
I will admit now, though, that several years after I started working with my mentor, I am able to understand that it is IMPERATIVE to treat recovery as a process. If we treat recovery as a destination, it's as if we're giving ourselves a deadline. It's like we're saying, "Okay, I've struggled with this for [insert amount of time here], I have until [insert date here] to kick it, once and for all." Perhaps that's why I'm writing this blog now, because lately I have fallen prey to that sort of thinking. I've been subconsciously, and consciously sometimes, telling myself, "Becca, you have been in recovery over 7 years. That's PLENTY enough time for someone to get rid of a bad habit. You graduate from college in less than 4 months, you can't be struggling with Ed when you marry Roger in June."
It's important to realize that these deadlines are not imposed on me by any other human. Not Rog, not my parents, not my therapist, no one. It's also important to realize that these deadlines are not imposed on me by myself, but are instead imposed on me by the one entity who has only my destruction in his mind....Ed. Ed wants to give me these deadlines because he knows, with certainty, that if I accept the deadlines I will fail, and will come running back to him. Ed is conniving enough to make me believe I am the one in charge of imposing the deadlines on myself, therefore having me absolve him of all fault in my mind, which will ensure I welcome him back with open arms.
Hey Ed, I've got news for you, bucko....I am NOT accepting your attempt to manipulate me and make me feel like a failure all over again. I have spent time building my recovery foundation over the past 7 years, and all of my hard work proves that I am committed to this PROCESS. I am not going to pretend that once I graduate I will not ever struggle with any other eating disordered thoughts. I am not going to pretend that once I'm married Ed is going to just give up trying to win me over. Rather, I am going to continue laying the foundation for my recovery down, layer by layer, brick by brick.
What does that mean?? For one, it means that I will be living intently, living in the present moment, living one day at a time, one hour at a time, one meal at a time (heck, one bite at a time if I have to). It also means that every time I choose Recovery over Ed, I am adding a brick to my foundation. I have been working on my foundation on and off again for the past 7 years, and while it has come a long way, it is still not fully formed, so I will be using this opportunity to continue to make my Recovery foundation more solid. Also, or me, I know my Recovery foundation cannot continue to gain strength unless I am continuing to grow in my Christian faith, in my walk with God. God is ultimately the one who gives ME the strength to work on my Recovery foundation, so I will also be using this opportunity to become even closer with God, knowing that if I fall, He will be there to catch me.
God knows my entire life story. He knew before I was born that I would struggle with Ed, and He knows what my future with (or without) Ed is going to be. God can see the big picture. I can only see the present moment, which is why I will continue to lay this foundation, layer by layer, brick by brick, until God chooses to reveal the next step to me.
God bless
I'll admit, that is a lot easier to type out now than it was to read the first time I read it. It's no secret that most patients with eating disorders struggle with perfectionism. My mentor calls herself a type AAA personality (in other words, type A to the extreme), and I have come to understand that is true for myself, as well. As such, I get easily frustrated when I can't just fix something, whether it means editing a paper, settling an argument, or yes, my own recovery. The notion of recovery being a process is something that, for a long time, just didn't sit right with me. Patience?? I don't have time for patience!! I have things to do!!
I will admit now, though, that several years after I started working with my mentor, I am able to understand that it is IMPERATIVE to treat recovery as a process. If we treat recovery as a destination, it's as if we're giving ourselves a deadline. It's like we're saying, "Okay, I've struggled with this for [insert amount of time here], I have until [insert date here] to kick it, once and for all." Perhaps that's why I'm writing this blog now, because lately I have fallen prey to that sort of thinking. I've been subconsciously, and consciously sometimes, telling myself, "Becca, you have been in recovery over 7 years. That's PLENTY enough time for someone to get rid of a bad habit. You graduate from college in less than 4 months, you can't be struggling with Ed when you marry Roger in June."
It's important to realize that these deadlines are not imposed on me by any other human. Not Rog, not my parents, not my therapist, no one. It's also important to realize that these deadlines are not imposed on me by myself, but are instead imposed on me by the one entity who has only my destruction in his mind....Ed. Ed wants to give me these deadlines because he knows, with certainty, that if I accept the deadlines I will fail, and will come running back to him. Ed is conniving enough to make me believe I am the one in charge of imposing the deadlines on myself, therefore having me absolve him of all fault in my mind, which will ensure I welcome him back with open arms.
Hey Ed, I've got news for you, bucko....I am NOT accepting your attempt to manipulate me and make me feel like a failure all over again. I have spent time building my recovery foundation over the past 7 years, and all of my hard work proves that I am committed to this PROCESS. I am not going to pretend that once I graduate I will not ever struggle with any other eating disordered thoughts. I am not going to pretend that once I'm married Ed is going to just give up trying to win me over. Rather, I am going to continue laying the foundation for my recovery down, layer by layer, brick by brick.
What does that mean?? For one, it means that I will be living intently, living in the present moment, living one day at a time, one hour at a time, one meal at a time (heck, one bite at a time if I have to). It also means that every time I choose Recovery over Ed, I am adding a brick to my foundation. I have been working on my foundation on and off again for the past 7 years, and while it has come a long way, it is still not fully formed, so I will be using this opportunity to continue to make my Recovery foundation more solid. Also, or me, I know my Recovery foundation cannot continue to gain strength unless I am continuing to grow in my Christian faith, in my walk with God. God is ultimately the one who gives ME the strength to work on my Recovery foundation, so I will also be using this opportunity to become even closer with God, knowing that if I fall, He will be there to catch me.
God knows my entire life story. He knew before I was born that I would struggle with Ed, and He knows what my future with (or without) Ed is going to be. God can see the big picture. I can only see the present moment, which is why I will continue to lay this foundation, layer by layer, brick by brick, until God chooses to reveal the next step to me.
God bless
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Weighing the options - Ed vs. Recovery
Okay, so I've decided to start up this blog and (hopefully) keep it going. I may not get many followers, but I think this is going to be good for my own personal edification.
As it says in the description of this blog, I wanted to create a 100% PRO-RECOVERY blog, where I can sort out my thoughts about how evil Ed is and how worth it and wonderful Recovery is, even though it can be hard as heck some times.
I've been asked many times to write out what Ed gives me, and then to write out what Recovery gives me. That is, what do I get from Ed, and what do I get from Recovery. It's kind of interesting to see them side by side. I figured this would be a good first post to get me in the Recovery blogging mindset.
Ed tells me that hanging out with him is the only way to be in control of my life.
Recovery assures me that Ed does not help me control my life, but instead he controls me. Recovery gives me the opportunity to take back that control away from Ed and focus it on the truly important things in life (God, relationships, my future).
Ed tells me that when I listen to him and do what he says, I am exhibiting a sense of self-accomplishment.
Recovery again reassures me by reminding me the "self-accomplishment" Ed tells me I am exhibiting is not really accomplishment I am having, but accomplishment Ed is having by manipulating me. Recovery reminds me that every time I actively disobey Ed, I am demonstrating REAL self-accomplishment, and am giving me a reason to be proud of myself.
Ed tries to convince me that if I listen to him and obey him, I will be perfect.
Recovery again comes in to reassure me by reminding me that "perfect" does not exist. Recovery also reminds me that there is no such thing as a "perfect" Recovery, and that striving for perfection in any way only feeds Ed's ego.
Ed tells me that being with him and obeying him is the best way to manage stress.
Recovery reminds me of all the times Ed has not HELPED with my stress, but has WORSENED it and made my life increasingly MORE stressful. Recovery encourages me when I start to believe that remaining in Recovery is more stressful than hanging out with Ed and assures me that Recovery, while it can be downright difficult at times, is totally WORTH IT.
Ed is only capable of telling lies. He is incapable of saying ANYTHING that is true. He does NOT have my best interest in mind, and he will never actually help me with any problems I encounter in life.
Recovery is always concerned with my best interest and well being. Recovery tells me the truth that I am a beautiful child of the one and only living God and that there is nothing I can do to escape His love.
All-in-all, I'd say the answer is an overwhelming "GO RECOVERY!!"
God bless
As it says in the description of this blog, I wanted to create a 100% PRO-RECOVERY blog, where I can sort out my thoughts about how evil Ed is and how worth it and wonderful Recovery is, even though it can be hard as heck some times.
I've been asked many times to write out what Ed gives me, and then to write out what Recovery gives me. That is, what do I get from Ed, and what do I get from Recovery. It's kind of interesting to see them side by side. I figured this would be a good first post to get me in the Recovery blogging mindset.
Ed tells me that hanging out with him is the only way to be in control of my life.
Recovery assures me that Ed does not help me control my life, but instead he controls me. Recovery gives me the opportunity to take back that control away from Ed and focus it on the truly important things in life (God, relationships, my future).
Ed tells me that when I listen to him and do what he says, I am exhibiting a sense of self-accomplishment.
Recovery again reassures me by reminding me the "self-accomplishment" Ed tells me I am exhibiting is not really accomplishment I am having, but accomplishment Ed is having by manipulating me. Recovery reminds me that every time I actively disobey Ed, I am demonstrating REAL self-accomplishment, and am giving me a reason to be proud of myself.
Ed tries to convince me that if I listen to him and obey him, I will be perfect.
Recovery again comes in to reassure me by reminding me that "perfect" does not exist. Recovery also reminds me that there is no such thing as a "perfect" Recovery, and that striving for perfection in any way only feeds Ed's ego.
Ed tells me that being with him and obeying him is the best way to manage stress.
Recovery reminds me of all the times Ed has not HELPED with my stress, but has WORSENED it and made my life increasingly MORE stressful. Recovery encourages me when I start to believe that remaining in Recovery is more stressful than hanging out with Ed and assures me that Recovery, while it can be downright difficult at times, is totally WORTH IT.
Ed is only capable of telling lies. He is incapable of saying ANYTHING that is true. He does NOT have my best interest in mind, and he will never actually help me with any problems I encounter in life.
Recovery is always concerned with my best interest and well being. Recovery tells me the truth that I am a beautiful child of the one and only living God and that there is nothing I can do to escape His love.
All-in-all, I'd say the answer is an overwhelming "GO RECOVERY!!"
God bless
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